


Team 7 the Movie

by RickHammersteel



Category: Naruto
Genre: Action, Arthouse, Disney, Film Noir, Gen, Horror, Martial Arts, Seinen, Shojo - Freeform, Sports, Spy thriller, Superheroes, movie parody, shonen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 18:21:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17813072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RickHammersteel/pseuds/RickHammersteel
Summary: Kakashi gets word of a disturbance at a movie studio. Upon investigation, he sees a certain set of 12 ninja, who all decided that they had their own ideas for a movie about Team 7.





	Team 7 the Movie

Kakashi stepped on the landing in front of the studio, his eyes scanning the 12 ninjas in front of the wall. He frowned under his mask, his Hokage cloak flowing behind him as he studied the scene before him.

The original Team 7 were huddled together, Naruto looked annoyed, Sasuke looked apathetic, and Sakura looked disappointed. Next to them, Team 8 were shyly looking away from each other, Hinata having a look of shame, Kiba looked angry, while laying on Akamaru and Shino had, well, it was hard to gauge his expression. After them, Team Guy sat, Rock Lee was doing wall push-ups as he waited, while Tenten had her head on her hand, looking very ashamed of herself. Finally, there sat Team 10 plus Sai, Ino had her arms wrapped around the artist's arm with a pout on her face, while Sai had a serene smile on his face. Choji, meanwhile, was casually munching on a bag of chips, while Shikamaru laid on his side, looking terribly annoyed.

Kakashi coughed, getting their attention. He looked at all of them,"Okay, care to explain why I ended up having to come down to a random movie studio for... " He pulled out a piece of paper," a bunch of stupid ninjas disturbing the producers?"

They all began to shout different explanations at him, before being stopped by Kakashi's hand,"One at a time please."

Naruto splayed his hands outward,"They got us all wrong!"

"They're making a movie about Team 7, and didn't let any of us have a say in what should be in it." Sasuke frowned.

Sakura crossed her arms,"And they think we can't make the movie ourselves! They said our ideas were terrible!"

"So, they're making a Team 7 movie, and they wouldn't let you have a say in it?" Kakashi turned to the others,"So why does this concern the rest of you?"

Hinata frowned,"I love Naruto, so I felt I could provide my own input." She sighed,"But they shot me down, and then my friends jumped to my defense."

"Yeah, those producers are just big jerks!" Kiba shouted.

"No one liked my ideas..." Shino whispered.

Rock Lee continued his exercises,"I joined in after!" He spun around to look at the Sixth,"But they said my story sucked! Which is okay, because I know now where I can improve!" He gave a thumbs up.

Tenten sighed, and indicating Rock Lee with her thumb,"He dragged me in with him."

Ino caressed Sai's arm,"Sakura's my best friend, so of course, I'd help make her depiction in the film better." She smiled up at Sai,"Sai-Bear here just went along because he loves me."

Sai nodded,"This is true."

Choji shrugged,"I just went along because Ino's my teammate."

Shikamaru growled,"They dragged me in."

Kakashi shook his head,"Okay, before I yell at you, I've got to know." He looked at Naruto,"What were your ideas for the script?"

Naruto grinned as he puffed out his chest,"I'm glad you asked!"

\---------

Naruto and Sasuke stood in the crater, their rippling muscles showing through their clothes. Standing before them, clad in nothing but a thong, but ripped beyond belief, was Madara Uchiha.

Madara placed his chin on his mighty fist,"I sure you know by know, Naruto, Sasuke, that you have no chance..." He splayed his arms wide, pecs rippling,"Because I am a god!"

Naruto removed his jacket, splaying his hand in front of his face,"We'll stop you." He said, his deep voice reverberating from his heavily masculine face.

Sasuke stood on one leg beside him, his arm crossed in front of him,"Come on, Naruto, don't fall behind!" Their chakras flared up in mighty blue and red auras.

Madara's chakra flared up in a mass of purple energy,"How foolish of you!" He ran at them, fists flying at Mach speeds,"MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!"

Naruto and Sasuke's fists went into hyper speed,"ORAORAORAORORA!" they said simultaneously. Their fists began to strike each other, causing the ground to quake and crack under the pressure.

\---------

"I didn't think you could make something more stereotypically shonen than this manga," Kakashi muttered.

Sasuke shook his head,"I can tell you right now, Naruto's movie wouldn't work." He looked up at Kakashi,"Now my movie on the other hand."

\---------

Sasuke scowled, his one eye glaring at the demon in front of him. He hefted his mighty sword in front of him. Well, it wasn't a sword at all, more like a giant slab of iron. His blackened armor covered his muscular body, and his chin was pronounced. A scar ran across his left eye, leaving only his angered right. Behind him, a scrawny Naruto whimpered,"Sasuke, save us!" He said.

Sakura wore only a cloth bra and a thong. She placed a hand on his shoulder,"Sasuke, be careful." She leaned into his shoulder,"I... don't know if I could be your sheath any longer." She sniffled.

Sasuke turned to his beloved, the one he had protected for so long,"Don't worry, I won't lose myself this time, I have you." He turned back to the beast. He ran forward, his mighty sword ready to taste blood.

\---------

"Hey, why am I a wimp!?" Naruto glared at his best buddy.

"Sasuke, we're going to have a long talk about the treatment of women in your script." Sakura glared at him.

Sasuke gulped, his miscolored eyes staring at the ground,"Yes, Mistress." he smirked slightly at that

"And I thought you were the serious one." Kakashi shook his head. He turned to Sakura,"You are more level-headed than the others, certainly yours is more accurate?"

Sakura smiled,"Of course!"

\---------

Sparkles shined around Sasuke's beautiful face as he intertwined his thin fingers with Naruto's,"Naruto, you are my best friend."

Naruto's beautiful blue eyes glistened,"Sasuke," His own thin fingers trembled at his friend's touch,"Why are you only saying this now?"

"Because," Sasuke leaned into Naruto's face,"I want to let you know how much I care about you before I run off to help my beloved blossom."

Naruto held his hand towards Sasuke,"But, you could die!"

Sasuke turned away, a cape flowing behind him,"I would die, for her."

\---------

"... Are we gay in that?" Naruto asked. Then he held his hands up defensively,"Not that's there's anything wrong with that!"

Sakura crossed her arms,"No, just really close friends, just you normally are!"

"Not that close..." Sasuke muttered.

Hinata leaned over Sakura's shoulder,"You both did kiss."

"One time!" They both shouted.

Kakashi coughed, getting their attention,"Interesting." He looked at Hinata,"What's your story then?"

Hinata smiled, tapping her fingers together,"Well, it's kind of odd..."

\---------

Kakashi, famed editor for the Daily Scroll, chomped on his cigar through his mask,"Uzumaki!"

Naruto Uzumaki, mild-mannered reporter, pushed up his glasses nervously,"Y-yes, sir?"

Kakashi tapped his fingers along his desk,"I need you to get me an interview with the new Hokage! I want facts, figures, even what she has for breakfast in the morning!"

"Yes, Mr. Hatake, sir!" Naruto nodded. He turned and side-stepped passed Hinata, who was quietly working on another article.

When Naruto walked into the hall, however, an explosion rang out. His trained ears perked up,"Sounds like trouble!" He ran into a broom closet,"This looks like a job for..."

Naruto removed his suit and tie to reveal an orange spandex suit with the letter K on the chest. He wore a pair of red trunks on the outside, and on his back, a bright yellow cape,"Kurama, Champion of Justice!" He leaped out of the broom closet and flew out the window.

Elsewhere, Sasuke Uchiha, billionaire playboy philanthropist, was laughing along with several guests at a charity auction. Suddenly, his ears perked up,"My Sharingan Sense is tingling!" He smiled at his guests,"I'm so sorry, I have an appointment elsewhere!"

The guests waved him off as he ran into the backroom. He removed his fancy suit to reveal a purple suit of armor. He grabbed behind him to pull down a cowl with demon horns. He became Susano'o, the Dark Avenger. He stepped out into the busy streets, and pulled out his grapple gun, and fired to swing away towards the danger.

Elsewhere still, secretary for the Hokage, Sakura Haruno, was at a book signing, when her ears picked up the sound of the explosion. She looked behind her at her best friend and loyal colleague, Ino,"Can you get her to sign my book for me? I have to go somewhere."

Ino shrugged,"Sure, but where- hey!" Before she could say more, Sakura had run off into a secluded area.

Sakura looked around, noticing no one around her. She cocked her elbows, and spun around, before stopping. She had donned a pink breastplate, with a cherry blossom studded leotard underneath. By her side was a pink lasso. She had a pink tiara with an emerald oval on the front. She had become Lady Katsuya, Protector of Freedom! She bent down, and then took off into the air.

Together, they were Team Seven, warriors of truth, justice, and the ninja way!

\---------

"... How come I can't fly?" Sasuke asked with a frown.

Kakashi blinked,"Didn't know you liked superheroes."

Hinata smiled,"Well, I do have other interests outside of Naruto."

Kakashi nodded, before looking at Kiba.

Kiba grinned,"Mine's awesome!"

\---------

Once upon a time, there was a baby fox named Naruto Uzumaki. Naruto loved to play in his forest, and he loved to explore. One day, his explorations caused him to happen upon a lone wolf cub sitting on a rock, who seemed sad about something.

"Hello!" Naruto yipped,"Why are you so sad?"

The wolf cub snarled,"I'm always sad, leave me alone!"

Naruto sat next to him,"Well, I can make you happy!" He nuzzled the wolf's neck,"Let me make you happy!"

The wolf scooted away,"Ugh, go away you little fox!" He got up and trotted away. Naruto, not letting up, trotted after him,"Gah, you're just as annoying as Sakura!"

At that, a pink cat appeared in the trees,"Did I hear my name called?"

\---------

Kiba looked around, noticing the looks he was getting,"What?"

Akamaru barked behind him.

"Akamaru liked it," Kiba muttered with his arms crossed.

Shino looked up at the Hokage,"I don't think you want to know my story."

Kakashi smiled under his mask,"Actually, I'm just curious how far this rabbit hole goes!"

"Okay..."

\---------

Naruto, dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, held on to Sakura, dressed in similar attire,"Sakura, I don't think we're alone..." he waved his flashlight around the trees.

Sakura shuddered, clinging close to Naruto," Naruto... I think we lost Sasuke!"

Naruto looked around,"Sasuke!" he waved his flashlight around before stopping at a dark figure in a blue shirt,"There you are!"

Sasuke groaned, before slowly turning around, revealing an eye full of bees, his arm full of blisters and boils, and his shirt torn and bloody. He limped towards them, groaning.

This caused the two to scream in terror as he made them his victims.

\---------

This resulted in Team 7 quietly scooting away a few feet.

Kakashi coughed into his fist,"Kurenai wasn't kidding when she said you three had active imaginations." He went to Rock Lee, who thrust his fist forward.

"I will tell you my story to the best of my ability!"

Kakashi smiled at that,"I'm quite interested in this one."

\---------

"Watta!"

Naruto broke down the door with a mighty kick, and glared at the occupant within the room. Pain, the man who terrorized his village, Hinata, and killed Sasuke. Naruto's shirtless torso rippled with lean, but very prominent muscles. He let out a breath as he held his right fist forward, and his left foot back.

Pain stood up, slowly removing his jacket to reveal a rippling body,"No words, Naruto? You've come to face me, for all the things you believe I have done?"

"You have offended my family, and you have offended a ninja temple. Now you will die." Naruto said.

Pain held his hands to his side,"Then come face me, Naruto!"

Naruto leaped at him with a mighty kick,"Atta!"

\---------

"Wow, I'm awesome in that!" Naruto grinned.

"I like that one because of shirtless Naruto." Hinata whispered.

"... Why am I dead?" Sasuke asked.

Kakashi looked at Tenten,"You said you were dragged in?"

Tenten leaned back,"Yeah, but I still made a suggestion..."

\---------

Sasuke's rippling muscles showed through his tanktop as he stabbed the enemy soldier to the side of the barn,"Stick around!" He said, his short buzzcut hair shining in the sun, accent heavy and thick.

Naruto walked out of the water, his yellow mullet wet with sweat and swamp water. He pulled out several kunait, his muscles rippling through his shirtless body. He began to throw them at every enemy he saw, roaring and yelling all the way.

He ran to Sasuke and stood back to back to him,"We have to be careful, we know what these guys are hiding!" His mouth was strangely disjointed as he spoke, his bandana draped over his shoulders.

They then heard a roaring sound. They turned to see Kaguya stomp through the forest. She opened her mouth, a second pair of teeth jutting out and clacking.

They got into stances, their kunai at the ready. That was when the sounds of stomping could be heard.

A giant robot stomped through the forest. Visible in the cockpit was Sakura, her hair permed up, and her tank top tight and sweaty,"Get away from them you bitch!" She pushed the robot towards Kaguya.

\---------

"Sakura in a tight tank top?" Sasuke gulped.

"Ripped Sasuke with an accent?" Sakura gasped.

"More shirtless Naruto?" Hinata said.

They all grinned as they looked at Tenten,"Tell us more!"

"Ahem, back on track," Kakashi said, looking at the blonde.

Ino put a hand to her chest,"Mine has class."

\---------

Sasuke moaned as he woke up. He looked around, noticing that he was strapped to a table, the straps wrinkling his nice tuxedo. He looked up to see a laser pointing right above him.

"It looks like you're awake, Agent 00723." A familiar voice said.

Sasuke looked to his right, seeing a pale man in a white suit holding a snake around his shoulders,"Orochimaru, I should've known." He said with a glare,"What did you do with Cherry Honeypot!?" he asked, remembering the lovely pink haired lady he met in a hotel room.

Orochimaru chuckled,"Don't worry, Mr. Uchiha, she's fine... for now anyway." He lightly walked over to a device,"You should be more concerned with yourself, shouldn't you!?"

Sasuke snarled,"You're only doing this because I know your plan!"

Orochimaru stopped,"You do? You know I'm going to fire a missile at the Five Kages, thus causing the nations to spiral into chaos and anarchy!?"

Sasuke smirked,"I do now."

Orochimaru frowned at this,"Oh, you think you're clever, Mr. Uchiha, but let's see how clever you can be when you're dead!" He pulled the lever, summoning up a laser that fired at the space between Sasuke's legs and it began to rise.

Sasuke snarled, using one of his hands to grab one of his gadgets located on his wrist to deflect the laser.

\---------

"Hmm, Sasuke would look dapper in a tux..." Sakura mused.

Sai calmly looked up at the Hokage,"I don't think you'll like mine..."

Kakashi looked down at him,"No, I'm actually curious, what is your story?"

"High art."

\---------

A flower blossoms in a field of stars, before bursting into many petals. The petals turned into a fox that ran through the stars, before getting hit with an uchiwa fan. Then the sound of a chorus of whales sung as the stars morphed into a boy that held his hands into the sky, screaming out in agony-

\---------

"Okay, stopping you right now because I have no idea what's going on." Kakashi held up his hand.

"Thank god, Sai's story lasted 264 hours," Shikamaru said, leaning on his side.

Ino pouted as she held Sai,"It's okay, Sai-Bear, I appreciate your art."

"Thank you, Miss Beautiful!" Sai took her hand in his.

Choji leaned back,"Mine's kind of simple..."

\---------

Naruto huddled together with his team, adjusting his baseball cap,"Alright guys, this is our last game. Remember, the Cloud Thunderbolts are fierce, but the Konoha Underdogs are fiercer!"

"But," Choji looked up at him,"We're missing a member, we can't beat them with only ten players!"

"No, he's here!" Sakura shouted, pointing to the entrance of the stadium, where their star player, Sasuke, was running towards them. He stopped in front of them.

"Am I late? Has the game started?" Sasuke adjusted his cap.

Naruto grinned,"You're just in time, old buddy!" They all began to huddle,"Remember guys, we're doing this for the leaf, for our famiiies, and for Coach Kakashi!" They all put their hands together and shouted,"Go, Underdogs!" They all leaped up and cheered.

\---------

"Sports?" Kakashi asked.

"What? I have other interests outside of eating, you know." Choji frowned.

Kakashi nodded, before turning to Shikamaru,"And this just leaves you."

Shikamaru sighed,"Alright, I'll tell you what I put down..."

\---------

My name is Sakura Haruno, I'm a private detective for the run down town of Konoha. Konoha, a place full of dark secrets and dirty dealings. A town of trouble, with a capital T. I sit at my desk, smoking my long hard cigar as I think about the events of last week when I solved the case of the burnt flowers for Ino.

That was when trouble came through my door. Trouble wearing an orange jacket.

"Haruno?" The man asked, his blond hair spiked unreasonably high.

"My name's on the door, idiot, yes that's me." I sigh in frustration.

The man gulped,"I was wondering if you could help me..." He turned away,"See, my boyfriend, Sasuke, he's... been murdered."

\---------

"Boyfriend!?" Naruto shouted.

"I'm dead again!?" Sasuke's head drooped.

Shikamaru smirked,"Well, you did chase after Sasuke for an unreasonably unhealthy amount of time!"

"So did Sakura!" Naruto shouted.

Shikamaru stretched his arms,"And yet, you were more homoerotic about it."

Kakashi coughed, getting their attention,"Well, I've heard all of your stories now. I think it's time you learned a lesson." His eyes narrowed,"That you really should just let professionals handle it, don't overcomplicate things with your own ideas. Too many cooks spoil the pot, and too many writers ruin a good story."

As he said this, a man came out,"Hey, it's that asshole who tried to rewrite my movie adaptation of Icha-Icha Paradise!"

The group of younger ninja slowly turn to glare at Kakashi.

Kakashi's eyes widened,"Wellwillyoulookatthat,timeforsomehokageworkbye!" He ran off into the distance.

**Author's Note:**

> 7/23 is Sasuke's birthday.
> 
> 264 hours is the approximate amount of time it would take to watch all the Naruto episodes. And if you think that is far-fetched, there is a movie that runs for 35 days. No joke, look it up.


End file.
